LET’S  LAUGH !

FROM THE BRITISH TV/RADIO

QUIZ SHOWS

THE FUTURE BRAINS OF BRITAIN.

LOL … LOL … LOL …

These are the real excerpts from the British TV and radio shows. Remember! It’s for fun only. You cannot measure a nation’s level of intelligence from these clips. But it’s still an indication that our youngsters of the “information age” or the “internet era” are taking a turn in a different direction.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:  What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:  Er…..

Phil Wood:  It’s got two syllables – Kor …

Contestant:  Blimey?

Phil Wood:  Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run …

Contestant:  (Silence).

Phil Wood:  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I …

Contestant:  Walked?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for “cherrypickers” and “cheesemongers” ?

Contestant:         Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:           Geography isn’t my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.

Contestant:           Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK

Steward White: Who had a worldwide hit with ‘What a Wonderful World’?

Contestant:        I don’t know.

Steward White: I’ll give you some clues: What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:        Arm.

Stweard White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re … ?

Contestant:        Strong.

Steward White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

Contestant:        Louis.

Steward White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song ‘What a Wonderful World’?

Contestant:  Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant:       France.

Trelinski:          France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:       Oh, um… Benidorm.

Trelinski:          Wrong, sorry. Let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:       Sorry, I don’t know.

Trelinski:          Just guess a country then.

Contestant:       Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: -- Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:  The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark:   For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:  What was Gandhi’s first name?

Contestant:   Goosey?

GWR FM (BRISTOL)

Presenter:   What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:  I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO, MANCHESTER)

Phil:   What’s 11 squared?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Phil:  I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:   Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:  Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er…..

Richard:  He makes bread …

Contestant: Er …..

Richard:   He makes cakes …

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:   Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:  Barcelona.

Presenter:   I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:  I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:   What is the world’s largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter:   Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:  Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:  Er… well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … er…er … Three?

CHRIS SERLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller:  Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:  Er ….. Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEW CASTLE)

Paul Wappat:  How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant:  (Long pause) … Fourteen days?

                                                 

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend Shekels?

Contestant:  Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:  Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl Denham: (Helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant:  No.

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:  Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:  What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter:  That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO2)

Wright:   Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:  Jesus.

(Note: Johnny Weissmuller was the famous 'Tarzan' of Hollywood movies.)

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DOING BUSINESS WITH ALLAH

THERE ARE NO LOSSES

ONLY A WIN/WIN SITUATION !

(By: M. Javed Naseem)

ٱلَّذِينَ يُنْفِقُونَ أَمْوَالَهُمْ بِٱللَّيْلِ وَٱلنَّهَارِ سِرّاً وَعَلاَنِيَةً

فَلَهُمْ أَجْرُهُمْ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ وَلاَ خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلاَ هُمْ يَحْزَنُونَ
“Those who (in charity) spend of their goods by night and by

day, in secret and in public, have their reward with their Lord;

on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.”

(al-Quran 2:274)

Man is always greedy, although he knows that greed is the root-cause of all the evils in his worldly life. On the other hand, a believer is always content with whatever he has been provided with by his Creator, the Almighty Allah. He is grateful. He is aware of the fact that all men are created ‘equal’ yet they are not the ‘same’. They don’t enjoy the same material benefits or same amount of wealth and provision. Everybody is different. And in this disparity, lies their test and trial.

قُلْ إِنَّ رَبِّى يَبْسُطُ ٱلرِّزْقَ لِمَن يَشَآءُ مِنْ عِبَادِهِ وَيَقْدِرُ لَهُ

وَمَآ أَنفَقْتُمْ مِّن شَيْءٍ فَهُوَ يُخْلِفُهُ وَهُوَ خَيْرُ ٱلرَّازِقِينَ
“Say: "Verily my Lord enlarges and restricts the sustenance

to such of his servants as He pleases; and nothing do you

spend in the least (in His cause) but He replaces it; for

He is the Best of those who grant sustenance.”

(al-Quran 34:39)

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ يَتْلُونَ كِتَابَ ٱللَّهِ وَأَقَامُواْ ٱلصَّلواَةَ وَأَنفَقُواْ مِمَّا

رَزَقْنَاهُمْ سِرّاً وَعَلاَنِيَةً يَرْجُونَ تِجَارَةً لَّن تَبُورَ
“Those who rehearse the Book of Allah, establish

regular prayer, and spend (in charity) out of what

We have provided for them, secretly and openly,

hope for a commerce that will never fail.”

(al-Quran 35:29)

Yes! That’s the business with Allah that never suffers losses! Those who are unfortunate , Almighty Allah is testing their faith with misfortune to see how grateful and steadfast they are. And those who are more fortunate than others, they are being tested with their fortune (wealth and provision) whether or not they take care of their less fortunate brothers;  and spend their wealth for the cause of Allah. In this trade, the profits are guaranteed.

مَّثَلُ ٱلَّذِينَ يُنْفِقُونَ أَمْوَالَهُمْ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ كَمَثَلِ حَبَّةٍ أَنبَتَتْ

سَبْعَ سَنَابِلَ فِى كُلِّ سُنبُلَةٍ مِّئَةُ حَبَّةٍ وَٱللَّهُ يُضَاعِفُ

لِمَن يَشَآءُ وَٱللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ                 
“The parable of those who spend their substance in the way of

Allah is that of a grain of corn; it grows seven ears, and each

ear has a hundred grains. Allah gives manifold increase to whom

He pleases; and Allah cares for all and He knows all things.”

(al-Quran 2:261)

Community is a lot more important in Islam than the individual. That’s why we are commanded to pray together with others, share Allah’s bounties with others and take care of others when they are in need or sick. Sharing wealth with the poor brings prosperity in the community which results in happiness, peace of mind and security. Plus, it’s an investment in the Hereafter.

إِنَّ ٱلْمُصَّدِّقِينَ وَٱلْمُصَّدِّقَاتِ وَأَقْرَضُواْ ٱللَّهَ قَرْضاً حَسَناً

يُضَاعَفُ لَهُمْ وَلَهُمْ أَجْرٌ كَرِيمٌ
“For those who give in charity, men and women, and loan to

Allah a beautiful loan, it shall be increased manifold (to their

credit), and they shall have (besides) a liberal reward.”

(al-Quran 57:18)

Most of the commands in the Holy Quran are concerning others (Huqooq-ul-Ibaad). The message is loud and clear: Take care of the mankind and you will be taken care of. Serve others so that you could be served. The Almighty has clearly commanded us in the Holy Quran:

وَأَنْفِقُواْ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ وَلاَ تُلْقُواْ بِأَيْدِيكُمْ إِلَى ٱلتَّهْلُكَةِ

وَأَحْسِنُوۤاْ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُحْسِنِينَ

“Spend your wealth for the cause of Allah, and

cast not (yourselves) by your own hands to ruin;

and do good. Lo, Allah loves the beneficent.”

(al-Quran 2:195)

أُوْلَـٰئِكَ يُؤْتُونَ أَجْرَهُم مَّرَّتَيْنِ بِمَا صَبَرُواْ

وَيَدْرَءُونَ بِٱلْحَسَنَةِ ٱلسَّيِّئَةَ وَمِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ يُنفِقُونَ
“Twice will they be given their reward, for that they have

persevered, that they avert evil with good, and that they

spend (in charity) out of what We have given them.”

(al-Quran 28:54)

Life in this world is not only a test for a believer but also a good opportunity to bargain with Allah for the benefits of the Hereafter. The more we spend here for God’s pleasure, the more we will get as a reward in the Hereafter. It is like lending a loan to Allah, Who   will multiply it in its repayment to us in the Hereafter. What a beautiful bargain! The Almighty says in the Holy Quran:

إِن تُقْرِضُواْ ٱللَّهَ قَرْضاً حَسَناً يُضَاعِفْهُ لَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ وَٱللَّهُ شَكُورٌ حَلِيمٌ

“If you lend unto Allah a goodly loan, He will double it for you

and will forgive you, for Allah is Responsive, Clement.”

(al-Quran 64:17)

مَّن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يُقْرِضُ ٱللَّهَ قَرْضاً حَسَناً فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ وَلَهُ أَجْرٌ كَرِيمٌ

“Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan? For (Allah)

will increase it manifold to his credit, and he will have

(besides) a liberal reward.”

(al-Quran 57:11)

What a bargain ! Incredible ! But the irony is that despite all the benefits, there are not many among us who go for this bargain. Have you not heard that if you give something in charity (Sadaqah), Allah will give you the reward of it, ten times (or more) in this world and 70 times (or a lot more) in the Hereafter? That’s God’s rule and nobody can change this rule. It has been valid since the beginning of the time and has no expiry date during our lifetime.

Here is a beautiful story about bargaining with Allah.

During the era of Prophet Musa (Moses), there was a poor man who was going through all kinds of hardship in life. He got so sick and tired of misery that he decided to see Prophet Musa (Moses). He asked him:

“O Musa! My life has been miserable. You are the Prophet of Allah and known for communicating with Him. Please talk to Allah for me and ask Him to have mercy on me and make my life a little easier.”

Prophet Musa promised him to do so. When he had the opportunity, Prophet Musa talked to the Almighty and requested Him to ease up the life of the poor man. The Almighty replied that there was not much of provision (‘Rizk’) prescribed for that man. Therefore, whatever is meant for him is spread thinly over his lifetime. He gets a little but he will keep getting something for the rest of his life.

The next time when Prophet Musa (Moses) saw that guy, he explained to him what was prescribed for him in this world. The poor man said:

“Alright! Can you please ask God to grant me all my provision (‘Rizk’) in lump sum, at once, instead of spreading it over many years?”

Prophet Musa thought that it was a very unreasonable demand and tried to convince the poor man otherwise. But the poor man insisted that he wanted all at one time. This way he would, at least, have some comfortable days and could enjoy life, even if it were for a short time. Prophet Musa agreed to do that.  On the next occasion, when Prophet Musa communicated with Allah, he conveyed to Him the poor man’s desire. The Almighty accepted the request and granted the poor man all his provision (‘Rizk’) at once.

A few days later, when Prophet Musa happened to pass by the poor man’s house, he saw some kind of a festival. People were enjoying food and drinks. He was surprised and wanted to talk to the poor man. The man was very happy and he thanked Prophet Musa for that. Musa asked him what was going on? The man said that he had invited all the poor and hungry people of his neighbourhood and told them that they could eat by him every day, as long as the food lasted. Moses thought that it would not last long, may be a few days or a few weeks or for a couple of months maximum. Then the poor man would be in a greater misery than before.

Time went by quickly. A few weeks later when Prophet Musa passed by the poor man’s house, he saw the party still going on. He shook his head and left. He saw the same thing happening when, a couple of months later, he passed by the house. Prophet Musa could not believe his eyes.  He was perplexed. So, on the next occasion of communicating with God, Prophet Musa could not help asking God about the poor man’s situation. How could it last that long?

The Almighty told Musa that there was nothing surprising about it. “It is Our principle that if anyone spends in Our way, for Our pleasure, We give him ten times more in this world and 70 times in the Hereafter. Therefore, the poor man, as he keeps spending in charity every day, he keeps getting ten-fold in this world. That’s how the party goes on and on.”

Subhan Allah! What a bargain!

آمِنُواْ بِٱللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ وَأَنفِقُواْ مِمَّا جَعَلَكُم مُّسْتَخْلَفِينَ

فِيهِ فَٱلَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ مِنكُمْ وَأَنفَقُواْ لَهُمْ أَجْرٌ كَبِيرٌ
“Believe in Allah and His messenger, and spend (in charity) out of

the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you

who believe and spend (in charity), for them is a great reward.”

(al-Quran 57:7)

While Allah guarantees us great rewards in the Hereafter for our acts of charity in this world, He warns us, at the same time, not to trade the Hereafter for the worldly pleasures.

وَلاَ تَشْتَرُواْ بِعَهْدِ ٱللَّهِ ثَمَناً قَلِيلاً إِنَّمَا عِنْدَ ٱللَّهِ هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ إِن كُنْتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ

“And purchase not a small gain at the price of Allah’s Covenant.

Lo, that which Allah has is better for you, if you did but know.”

(al-Quran 16:95)

Those who are spending all of their energies, efforts, talent, time and resources to achieve the material benefits of this world, they’ll end up as losers in the Hereafter. They think that the success in this world is solely due to their smartness and intelligent moves. They don’t thank Allah for their good fortune nor do they share it with the poor. There is a bad news for them:

مَن كَانَ يُرِيدُ ٱلْحَيَاةَ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَزِينَتَهَا نُوَفِّ إِلَيْهِمْ

أَعْمَالَهُمْ فِيهَا وَهُمْ فِيهَا لاَ يُبْخَسُونَ

أُوْلَـٰئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ لَيْسَ لَهُمْ فِى ٱلآخِرَةِ إِلاَّ ٱلنَّارُ وَحَبِطَ

مَا صَنَعُواْ فِيهَا وَبَاطِلٌ مَّا كَانُواْ يَعْمَلُونَ

“Whoso desires the life of the world and its pomp,

We shall repay them their deeds herein, and therein they

will not be wronged. Those are they for whom is naught

in the Hereafter save the Fire. All that they contrive here

is vain and all that they are wont to do is fruitless.”

                      (al-Quran 11:15-16)

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